In this letter my dad writes, "First of all, I'm sorry for not writing or calling any sooner." The last paragraph starts, "Sweetheart don't think for a minute that I've forgotten you because I haven't and never will." I still cry reading this.
I told my 'half' brother (another story there) about this letter and mentioned that I was wanting to write to Dad. A couple of days later my 'half' brother gave me Dad's phone number. I was so nervous just thinking about talking to my dad. I'm glad I had the option to text him or it would have been even longer before I made contact.
As I was going through all these emotions, I was wondering why. After I finally talked to Dad, not texted, I realized I felt giddy like a little girl. Was this where I left off last I saw him? I was maybe 11. Like reconnecting with an old acquaintance I hadn't seen in years.
Or maybe I finally realized I was misinformed or lied to. Depends on how you look at it. Looking back at my childhood and adolescence, I can see that my relationship to my mom's mother was different than my mom's relationship to her mother. So, too, is the relationship between my mom and my dad. Just because they can't get along well doesn't mean my dad didn't care about me or didn't want to be around me. I was led to believe this by my mom. Maybe she took his absence as not caring but I don't think she made it easy for him to be around me and my brother. Again, looking back, everyone she lived with in the 80's (during her angry years) moved out and left her. Grandma in 1988, me in 1990, and finally my brother in 2000 if I remember correctly.
Perhaps it was that "I hate you, don't leave me" syndrome. Maybe Mom was too angry, hurt, or short-sighted to see the big picture of how she disrupted my relationship with my dad and my brother's, too. Either way, I got the impression that Dad wasn't wanting to be around us. Now I understand that if someone is mistreating you or bringing you down, yes, the best way to fix the problem is to remove yourself from their presence. But in this case, I don't think my dad was totally at fault.
It is very possible that combined with my mom's past and a mental condition that I show signs of having, too, or some other unknown trigger it just made an explosive time in her life and everyone either had to put up with it or leave. My brother and I put up with it until we were of age to leave.
I feel cheated from all those years I could have been in touch with my dad and could have had at least a long-distance relationship with him. Maybe I wouldn't have doubted myself so much growing up. I wouldn't have had this mystery side. (I look like my dad, but what else?) I am very happy to be in contact with him. His first text message read, "I'm glad you texted me." The following weekend he texted me saying, "Thank you." I asked him for what and he just said he felt the need to say that. I suppose we both had that emptiness where a relationship was suppose to be and now that we've been talking its an internal 'sigh' of relief. The void is being filled. And its a good thing.
Though he's in Oklahoma and I'm in Texas and the chance that we can visit face-to-face is slim right now, we are trying to keep in touch on a regular basis if just to say, 'hey, I'm thinking about you.'