I've recently heard about my husband's co-worker who's brother committed suicide. Life isn't fair. My heart goes out to the co-worker and to all who have lost loved ones to suicide. I could have been one, I tried to commit suicide when I was in a deep depression a few years back. It wasn't my fault that I was depressed. It wasn't your fault, either. There are things that go on in our heads when depressed that can't be explained or described. I was in this depression when I should have been happy. Its very frustrating when you can't make yourself the "happy" you think you should be, that everyone else is.
If you've lost someone to suicide, I can say they left because they knew you were strong. I had to think and think and think of a reason to stay behind. I did think about my family, my brother, my mom. They'll survive without me. That's what I thought.
But when I thought of my grandmother, that held me back. She was in her 80s at the time and I knew she already had anxiety problems and "heart" problems. I knew she'd take it very hard losing her only granddaughter. She had started to lose weight when I started my mood swings. She's what anchored me here to stay.
Its difficult to explain the pain of depression unless you've been through it. It was very difficult to think. All I could feel was this sort of anxiety to hurry and off myself, to end the mental pain. Its very frustrating to try to do the things that used to make you happy and it not make you happy. I cried so much and so hard, my chest and heart literally hurt.
I had psychosis to add to these feelings of unhappiness. The hallucinations would only drag me down further. Too often, I had heard something like a thousand voices shouting at me that I was useless, no-good, hopeless, horrible, etc. If one person can scream at you and make you cry, which has happened to me, imagine what a thousand voices could make you feel like. There was also this one single voice that kept telling me to off myself: "Why don't you just crash into that tree?" It went on for a few months before I got my diagnosis and understood what it meant to have psychotic features. And even more months before it all went away.
With all these confusing, internal, brain-chemistry-wire-crossing, it was very difficult to hear or see those around me. Don't get me wrong, I knew when my mom was visiting. I just couldn't form the words to speak how I felt, when I wasn't understanding what I was feeling. How can I ask for what I need, when I'm not sure what it is that I need? It's not your fault that you didn't understand or know. It's not my fault I didn't know what to do, either. I don't blame any friend or family member for my struggles during that time. I knew they helped with what they could.
All I can do now is offer my condolences to those who have lost loved ones to suicide and to tell you: its not your fault.
To the one considering suicide: It's a lie that you hear. The whisper or shout to end it all. It's not what you need. I've often wondered why I felt such a strong desire to off myself when I had no reason to do so. There must have been some trigger to overload or decrease something that produced those strong feelings. We've all heard about the chemical imbalance. Perhaps our diet predisposes us to certain conditions. Maybe even something environmental; we do live in a chemical world. Whatever it was, it was enough to cause that "confusing, internal, brain-chemistry-wire-crossing". But it wasn't your fault. Consider the ant trail. We've all took a swipe at that invisible trail they follow and watched how they suddenly become confused and lost. Something must have swiped at my brain chemistry to cause my depression and suicidal feelings. But consider also, how the ants regain their invisible path and their work is continued. You, too, can regain your path. Forgive yourself. Survive today in the simplest way possible so that you can thrive tomorrow.
If I had not gone through that hardest part of my life, I would not have met my husband. I sit here now 11 years later, married to a wonderful husband of 5 1/2 years (I've known him for 9 1/2 yrs.), and with 2 beautiful boys ages 4 and 1 1/2. I still struggle. I still get down. But I know if I can regain my path from the hardest struggle, I can regain it again and with more family support now.
Survive today so that you can thrive tomorrow.
Comments? Suggestions? I'd love to hear from you.
If you've lost someone to suicide, I can say they left because they knew you were strong. I had to think and think and think of a reason to stay behind. I did think about my family, my brother, my mom. They'll survive without me. That's what I thought.
But when I thought of my grandmother, that held me back. She was in her 80s at the time and I knew she already had anxiety problems and "heart" problems. I knew she'd take it very hard losing her only granddaughter. She had started to lose weight when I started my mood swings. She's what anchored me here to stay.
Its difficult to explain the pain of depression unless you've been through it. It was very difficult to think. All I could feel was this sort of anxiety to hurry and off myself, to end the mental pain. Its very frustrating to try to do the things that used to make you happy and it not make you happy. I cried so much and so hard, my chest and heart literally hurt.
I had psychosis to add to these feelings of unhappiness. The hallucinations would only drag me down further. Too often, I had heard something like a thousand voices shouting at me that I was useless, no-good, hopeless, horrible, etc. If one person can scream at you and make you cry, which has happened to me, imagine what a thousand voices could make you feel like. There was also this one single voice that kept telling me to off myself: "Why don't you just crash into that tree?" It went on for a few months before I got my diagnosis and understood what it meant to have psychotic features. And even more months before it all went away.
With all these confusing, internal, brain-chemistry-wire-crossing, it was very difficult to hear or see those around me. Don't get me wrong, I knew when my mom was visiting. I just couldn't form the words to speak how I felt, when I wasn't understanding what I was feeling. How can I ask for what I need, when I'm not sure what it is that I need? It's not your fault that you didn't understand or know. It's not my fault I didn't know what to do, either. I don't blame any friend or family member for my struggles during that time. I knew they helped with what they could.
All I can do now is offer my condolences to those who have lost loved ones to suicide and to tell you: its not your fault.
To the one considering suicide: It's a lie that you hear. The whisper or shout to end it all. It's not what you need. I've often wondered why I felt such a strong desire to off myself when I had no reason to do so. There must have been some trigger to overload or decrease something that produced those strong feelings. We've all heard about the chemical imbalance. Perhaps our diet predisposes us to certain conditions. Maybe even something environmental; we do live in a chemical world. Whatever it was, it was enough to cause that "confusing, internal, brain-chemistry-wire-crossing". But it wasn't your fault. Consider the ant trail. We've all took a swipe at that invisible trail they follow and watched how they suddenly become confused and lost. Something must have swiped at my brain chemistry to cause my depression and suicidal feelings. But consider also, how the ants regain their invisible path and their work is continued. You, too, can regain your path. Forgive yourself. Survive today in the simplest way possible so that you can thrive tomorrow.
If I had not gone through that hardest part of my life, I would not have met my husband. I sit here now 11 years later, married to a wonderful husband of 5 1/2 years (I've known him for 9 1/2 yrs.), and with 2 beautiful boys ages 4 and 1 1/2. I still struggle. I still get down. But I know if I can regain my path from the hardest struggle, I can regain it again and with more family support now.
Survive today so that you can thrive tomorrow.
Comments? Suggestions? I'd love to hear from you.